I hope a future version of myself can hear particular names and not spend the evening hating herself.
I spent the past few days dreaming, both, day and night, of how it would feel to hear them say my name. Their kind, cold, soulless affirmations would be nice right about now.
I hate self-loathing, pitying myself, but it’s become a habit. I keep replaying old memories because everything feels so silent.
Didn’t I pray for this? For peace?
Be careful what you wish for my friends.
My whole life, I’ve been surrounded by leeches. People who pretend to be my friends, just to steal my personality, my dreams, my energy. My inability to choose myself in the hurt, has planted me in the worst positions possible.
I know God exists because I’ve been saved from experiencing traumatic events out of my ignorance and need for validation.
It’s possible that every woman in her 20’s has gone through this.
The need to please, the self-awareness and resentment that follows. The desperation to be seen as more than just a body, but instead, adored for her soul. These things have kept me stuck. I am mentally aware of the issue, but can’t seem to grasp the life, the beauty, surrounding me.
I understand my mind is the issue. I need to let this go. I must.
It hasn’t been easy and it’s barely year two of this journey. If blessed, I’ll get to experience all that comes from this decade.
For now, I remain 21.
I don’t even know what I thought I’d be doing by now, but maybe that’s the gift. I’m incapable of understanding why it has been the way it’s been, but I am a woman after all. My resilience, my bravery, my heart, shall persevere. Though I linger in the hurt, I am completely conscious of the fact that I am one. One of one, one with God.
So, to anyone caring what anyone thinks of them, find peace in doing what brings you the most joy.
I enjoy writing, acting, directing, singing, and the devil on my shoulder can try to make me feel small, ugly, or unqualified, but I have one life and I sure as hell won’t waste it on doubting myself.
